Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone

If you've ever felt lonely, you know just how badly it can hurt. Just read the article, A Cure for Disconnection by Jennifer Latson, published March 7, 2018, Psychologytoday. She says,Loneliness is a problem of epidemic proportions, affecting millions from all walks of life. But while its roots are complex, remedies may be within reach.

It's been 17 years since Robert Putnam's best-selling book Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community sounded the alarm about societal changes driving new levels of isolation and alienation; by now, most of us know that loneliness isn't a problem to be laughed off. Researchers warn that we are in the midst of a loneliness epidemic, and they aren't being metaphorical when they speak of loneliness as a disease.

What It Is, What It's Not

It's been well established that lonely people are more likely than the non lonely to die from cardiovascular disease, cancer, respiratory illness, and gastrointestinal causes—essentially, everything. One study found that those with fewer than three people they could confide in and count on for social support were more than twice as likely to die from heart disease than those with more confidants. They were also roughly twice as likely to die of all causes, even when age, income, and smoking status were comparable.

Apart from the risk of premature death, loneliness contributes to seemingly countless health woes. Consider the common cold: A study published last year, in which lonely and non lonely people were given cold-inducing nasal drops and quarantined in hotel rooms for five days, found that the lonely people who got sick suffered more severe symptoms than the non lonely. "Put simply, lonelier people feel worse when they are sick than do less lonely people," writes study author Angie LeRoy, a doctoral candidate at the University of Houston.

But what does it mean to be lonely, exactly? One of the most surprising revelations is the extent to which loneliness afflicts those of us who aren't isolated in any traditional sense of the term, including people who are married or who have relatively large networks of friends and family.

"Loneliness is not simply being alone," says John Cacioppo, the director of the University of Chicago's Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience and the author of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. He points out that many of us crave solitude, which feels restorative and peaceful when desired. What might qualify as pleasant for some, however, can be misery for others—or even for the same person at different times.

And how exactly does the feeling of chronic loneliness hurt us? In addition to making us more susceptible to viruses, it's also strongly correlated with cognitive decline and dementia. Lonely people are more than twice as likely to develop Alzheimer's as the non lonely. And researchers make a point of distinguishing the effects of loneliness from those of depression: Depression does elevate the risk for Alzheimer's slightly, but not nearly as much as loneliness.

It's easy to see how loneliness and depression would go hand in hand; the two states seem to feed off each other. Cacioppo defines loneliness as "a debilitating psychological condition characterized by a deep sense of emptiness, worthlessness, lack of control, and personal threat." Some of those characteristics apply equally to depression, and it's true that loneliness sometimes gives way to depression.

Take the Fight to Loneliness

Once we understand the toll loneliness takes on our mental and physical health, what can we do to protect ourselves?

DO TALK TO STRANGERS

Small talk isn't so small, so take the plunge and converse with someone beside you on the bus or in line at a store."Just chatting makes us happier and healthier," says Susan Pinker, author of The Village Effect. "We can feel much better after just 30 seconds of talking to someone in person, whereas we don't get that benefit from online interaction."

GIVE IT SEVEN MINUTES

According to the "seven-minute rule," it takes that long to know if a conversation is going to be interesting. Sherry Turkle, the author of Alone Together and Reclaiming Conversation, acknowledges that it can be hard, "but it's when we stumble, hesitate, and have those 'lulls' that we reveal ourselves most to each other."

SCHEDULE FACE TIME

What does face-to-face contact with friends and family give us that virtual communication lacks? For one thing, it boosts our production of endorphins, the brain chemicals that ease pain and enhance well-being. That's one reason in-person interaction improves our physical health, researchers say.

IF YOU CAN'T GET FACE TIME, CHOOSE FACETIME

Being there in person is always best, but video conferencing by Skype or Face Time can help people divided by distance maintain the bonds they built in person, according to researchers. Phone calls are the next best thing—hearing the other person's voice is a form of connection—while relationships conducted primarily by email or text tend to wither fastest.

USE FACEBOOK WISELY

Social media isn't inherently alienating, says Harvard epidemiologist Jeremy Nobel, but to create sustainable connections, it should be used purposefully. "If you're just using Face book to show pictures of yourself smiling on vacation, you're not going to connect authentically," he says. Instead, within the larger platforms, create smaller social networks, such as an online book club where you can share meaningful personal reactions with a select group of people.

BE A GOOD NEIGHBOR

Getting to know your neighbors yields more benefits than access to a cup of sugar when you run out. One study found that higher "neighborhood social cohesion" lowers your risk for a heart attack. So invite your neighbors over for coffee and offer to feed their cats when they go out of town. You'll be happier and healthier for it.

THROW A DINNER PARTY

"Eating together is a form of social glue," writes Susan Pinker in The Village Effect. Evidence of communal eating dates back at least 12,000 years: Sharing food was a way to resolve conflicts and create a group identity among hunter-gatherers long before villages existed.

GET CREATIVE

Participating in the creative arts—from joining a chorus to organizing a craft night—helps us connect deeply without talking directly about ourselves, Nobel says. "A lot of people can't find the spoken words to express their feelings, but they can draw them, write expressively about them, or even dance them," he says. "When someone else pays attention to them and allows them to resonate with their own experience, it's as if an electric circuit gets completed, and they're connected."

TALK ABOUT IT

When Julia Bainbridge struggled with loneliness as a single New Yorker, she started a podcast, The Lonely Hour, and found that just talking about her feelings made her feel less lonely. She was surprised to find out how many people felt the same way—and what a relief it was to know that she wasn't alone in her loneliness. Whether to a podcast audience, a friend, or a therapist, we can all benefit from talking about feelings of isolation.

REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE—LITERALLY

Hugging, holding hands, or even just patting someone on the back is powerful medicine. Physical touch can lower our physiological stress response, helping fight infection and inflammation. And it cues our brains to release oxytocin, which helps strengthen social bonds.