Things I Say Most Often To My Therapy Clients

The process that I use is called Inner Bonding, which teaches people how to love themselves. As loving themselves becomes a way of life, their anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, anger, fear, addictions and relationships gradually heal.

• Here's what I say most often to my clients:

• Breathe.

• Find a place within you that is willing to explore how you might be creating some of your painful feelings.

• There must be a very good reason you feel so resistant right now.

• There must be a very good reason you want to control right now rather than learn.

• Put your focus into your heart and invite love, kindness and compassion.

• Ask the hurting part of you, 'What am I doing — or telling you — that is causing this feeling?"

• What is the truth about this belief?

• Imagine taking the loving action ... how would you feel if you did?

When we haven't learned how to take responsibility for our feelings, then we avoid them in four major ways — all which are self-rejecting:

• We judge ourselves harshly, causing shame. Often, we would rather feel shame than feel the painful feelings of life, such as loneliness, heartbreak, grief or helplessness over others and events. We hope that, by judging ourselves, we can have control over getting ourselves to do things "right" so that others will like us and give us the love we're not giving to ourselves.

• We stay in our head, rather than being present in our body with our feelings.

• We turn to various addictions to numb our feelings.

• We make others responsible for our feelings, blaming them for our pain.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D.